Dear representative Meehan,
My name is Brian Lee, I am currently a junior in Haverford High School. This is concerning the recent controversial bill, SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act). As you already know, this bill, if passed, will endanger the privacy,liberty,and freedom of the dear Amercian citizens and especially your constituents. This bill proposes to grant the federal government the right to abolish millions of websites. Meaning, websites such as google, youtube, facebook and twitter will most likely be shut down. This is a crucial violation of the freedom of the speech. It does not portray and represent freedom and liberty, which is the core value of our government.
If this bill passes, Americans will mourn for democracy and freedom. Also American citizens currently are an important advocate for internet freedom in China and many other countries. You can not let this happen. Thank you for this opportunity and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jonghyun Lee
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(I sent the letter)
If this bill passes, Americans will mourn for democracy and freedom. Also American citizens currently are an important advocate for internet freedom in China and many other countries. You can not let this happen. Thank you for this opportunity and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jonghyun Lee
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(I sent the letter)
1. Correctly addressed to House representative.
ReplyDelete2. Readability: You use a lot of excessive language that isn't really necessary (like talking about the "dear American citizens"). It should also be longer, with more substance and fewer dramatic statements (like talking about mourning democracy and freedom). And make sure you have a strong conclusion!
3. Spelling/Grammar: There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes. Capitalize "representative." Put spaces in between privacy, liberty, and freedom in line 3. Capitalize Facebook and the other company names. Capitalize Internet.
4. Comments: You don't really have any facts. I think that your statement that the bill will shut down Twitter and Facebook is not true, actually. So include more facts about the bill to support your claims that it will hurt the Internet. You might also want to talk about why some people support the bill and why their reasons are wrong. Good luck!